Relic Document: Austin's Veterans Stats

 This is an odd sort of project. I loved the game Worms 2 as a kid, and I seem to have made up a roster for the members of a Worms team I made on my parents' typewriter. I can tell that all the names (except mine) were randomly generated, and then I made up actual military roles for each of them based on what they could do in the game. My knowledge of military jargin has always been shoddy at best (the crap is a "prime navigator"?), but it's fun to see little bits and pieces of my childhood self in this writing.

My favorite thing to do on Worms 2 was to use the Ninja Rope to fling myself to specific places, so it's easy to see why that's my character's specialty. I wish I had a screenshot of "Newt Castle," because though I have no memory of what it looks like, I'm almost positive I made the map on Worms 2 as an actual map. I think my favorite aspect of this document is how I tried to explain away certain Worms 2 weapons that are utterly absurd in a sensible, game-manual-lore sort of way. Also, I think it's funny that I'm publishing this on my blog when I'm actually thirty-one years old. Not sure why I chose that age when I wrote this.

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Austin's Veterans STATS

Hero

*AUSTIN*

As leader of the veterans, Austin is a veteran. A veteran, in fact, of Worm War II. His skills in his invention Ninja Roper make him a quick and crafty fighter.

AGE: 31

SPECIALTY: Ninja Rope, Bungee, Parachute

 

2nd In Command

SPADGE

Spadge has been in other forces before he was a Veteran. In fact, he had his own force called Spadge's Coltrane. After being accused of insanity twice, though, he decided that the Veterans were kinder to him.

AGE: 33

SPECIALTY: Mad Cows

 

Prime Navigator

PRAWN

Prawn, though one of the youngest warrior worms, fights with the ferocity of an experienced 40-year-old. With his superior techniques in Sheep, he is able to scout out for reinforcements.

AGE: 14

SPECIALTY: Sheep/Super Sheep/Cnfsd. Sheep Strike/Cloned Sheep

 

Head Scout

SVEED

Austin welcomed Sveed into the Veterans not because he was German, but because he volunteered and had a knack for war. Sveed, at the time he was hired, was interested in priceless artifacts and building weapons out of them.

AGE: 44

SPECIALTY: Ming Vases

 

Admiral Assault Warrior

CHATCHIE

The Assault Warrior in every team has big responsibilities in both assassination and spying. This position was hard for Chatchie because she is the head of a Catholic Church in New Orleans, and didn't care for war. She found a way to mix the cultures, however, and now serves as one of Austin's best fighters.

AGE: 29

SPECIALTY: Holy Hand-Grenades

 

Expert Infiltration Spy

BANDU

Bandu's experience in spying allows him to sneak up on the enemy and destroy them easily. He has a large arsenal of gunpowder weapons to use at will.

AGE: 31

SPECIALTY: Dynamite, Land Mines

 

Miner/Landformer

MILO

Thanks to Milo, the Veterans can go into places they never before could. Milo's range of drills and digging equipment allow him to channel the ground into tunnels and air strike shelters.

AGE: 39

SPECIALTY: Pneumatic Drill, Blow Torch, Girder

 

Assassin

BUNGLE

Bungle has fought in modern Martial Arts to strengthen his body as well as his mind. He serves as Austin's assassin, killing the heroes of other armies.

AGE: 25

SPECIALTY: Fire Punch, Dragon Ball, Kamikaze

 

Backup Substitute Soldier

ZADWIK

Austin was sad to exclude Zadwik, who was his classmate in the Academy, but he allowed him to become a backup soldier and fight only if one of his (Austin's) warriors were crippled into uselessness.

AGE: 32

SPECIALTY: Air Strikes, (Napalm, Homing, Air, Mail) Prod

 

* * *

Home Territorial Spot

NEWT CASTLE

Austin's Veterans found a spot of land to build their a castle tower. The tower is made mainly of dirt (Milo crafted it) and strategic windows and turrets. The "Newt" Castle was built in the outskirts of London.

AGE: 6 years since it was built

SPECIAL FEATURES: Turrets, Windows, underground shelter

MAIN TERRAIN: "Medieval"

 

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WANT TO HIRE A VETERAN? call toll-free 1-800...

XXXXXX ⟵ (This is where I crossed something out by typing Xs over it)

1-800-VETERANWORMS or visit our website at: www.austin.littlewormswithbigheads.org/veterans.html

CALL TODAY!

Costs:

Austin:$3100

Spadge:$3300

Prawn:$1400

Sveed:$4000

Chatchie:$2900

Bantu:$3300

Milo(battle):$3900 Milo(digging):$67,000,000.99

Bungle: $2900

Zadwik: -free-

 

STATS BY AUSTIN BALLARD