The Big Rock Candy Mountain: My Edition

I recently watched the film O Brother, Where Art Thou? and was reminded of how nice the song "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" is. It's fun to see the idea of paradise from the perspective of a 1920s hobo, who valued not getting caught by law enforcement, easy food and cigarettes, and other more universally paradisaical ideas, such as sunshine and lands that are "fair and bright." I decided it'd be fun to make my own version of this song based on what my idea of paradise would be.

My favorite rendition of "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" can be heard here, so listen to it while you read the lyrics:
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In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
There's a land that's fair and bright,
Where pretzels grow on bushes
And you don't need to sleep at night.
Where the stores are always open
And restaurants cost a dime.
There's a huge buffet
You can stay all day
And drink chocolate mousse
And passion fruit juice
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
It's autumn all year round.
And everyone plays D&D
And jerky stores abound.
There are lots of Warcraft movies;
They release one every year.
Cars don't break down
Or run out of gas
And a chilly morning
Don't frost the glass
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
The Wi-Fi's never slow.
And all the stations play 90s hits
And soundtracks and techno.
You can travel by roller coaster
To anywhere that you want.
To the playground swings
Where the chickadee sings
Or the mountain lake
Where they serve you steak
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
The dishes wash themselves.
And gamebooks, cards, and board games
Are stacked on all the shelves.
The nights are never noisy
And the streets are always safe
No one ever wastes food
And the cashiers aren't rude
And they boot the fools
Who break the rules
From the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
The houses have castle walls.
And they've all got moats like swimming pools
With torches down the halls.
All the girls have Irish accents
And the men all speak like Scots
Oh I'd like to go home
Where there ain't smartphones
Where they hung the snorts
Who invented sports
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.