Relic Short Story: How the Zebra Got His Stripes

Man, this time in my life sucks. I'm exhausted from 2½ years of trying to find a full-time job with zero success, and it's showing in my posting frequency here.

Here's a story I wrote in 7th grade. At the time, I was interested in Greek mythology, and I especially like Hermes because of his portrayal in the Disney film Hercules. I wish I could still channel this level of unhinged lack of care for story conventions. Also, as usual, Easter eggs are hidden in the story. A girl I hated at school was named Heather.

How the Zebra Got His Stripes

A made-up Greek myth by Austin Ballard

Starring Hermes

One day, Hermes noticed that the people on earth were cut and drowned and hanged and choked and burned, yet their souls never seemed to leave their bodies. They screamed in agony in pain, yet they never seemed to die.

Hermes, being the best and most kindhearted of the gods, decided that something had to be done to let the people die and rest in peace. He suspected that something in the Underworld had gone wrong, so he decided to look.

After arriving in the Underworld, he saw a white horse being eaten by Cerberus, Hades' pet labrador. He rescued the horse and it spoke to him: "No, I'm not really a horse, I'm some sort of prince-type guy who was turned into a horse by the evil witch Heatherus. My name's Zebricus, the prince of Athens. Hades took me down here to be eaten by his stupid dog, so I cursed him with sleep, which resulted in a chain reaction of events in which the Fates stopped allowing people to die because Hades wasn't paying them. And that's why you're down here, isn't it?"

Hermes stared at him. "How did you know I was coming down here to find that out?"

"Huh? Oh, I looked up at the first paragraph of this story."

Hermes, very confused, changed the subject. "How can I pay the Fates to do their work?"

"Um, you have to..." Zebricus thought. "Uh... Give them each a golden apple!"

At the golden apple tree at the edge of the world, Hermes reached for an apple. He suddenly felt very hungry, so he decided to eat the dragon guarding the tree.

The dragon needed barbecue sauce to taste satisfying, so Hermes went to A1ese, the god of A-1 barbecue sauce. A1ese agreed to give Hermes a bottle of BBQ sauce in exchange for an amazon's girdle.

Not wanting to ask why, Hermes bought one at the nearest gift shop and gave it to A1ese, who gave him the BBQ sauce.

After picking his teeth and discarding the scales, Hermes took the golden apple back to the Underworld.

When he got there, the horse kept insisting, "Please, I know where the Fates are. Give me the apple and I'll eat—ah, give the apple to them."

"Don't bother, Zebricus. I know where they are," said Hermes.

The horse-prince slumped sadly, then he grew angry. "Give it to me. Give it to me NOW!" His yelling woke up the Furies from their "ugly sleep," and they came after him, whipping him and leaving long stripes all over his body. The blood dried and turned black.

Hermes took Zebricus to the surface and the prince apologized. "I'm sorry, Hermes. I thought that if I could eat a golden apple, I could become immortal. Hades is actually awake. I just knoekd out the Fates. I'm sorry for lying."

"No problem," said Hermes, looking at his stripes. "It looks like you've been punished enough."

Hermes woke up the Fates, put the death system back in motion, saved the day, and named the new breed of horse after the prince, "zebra."

THE END