I am pleased to present "Thumbs," a play some fellow students and I made in our creative writing class in high school. I can't remember the assignment exactly—I'm guessing we were just supposed to come up with a story and present it in theater form. I remember coming up with the odd, funny, and somewhat weak-plotted storyline together. We may have even performed it in front of the class or at least read our lines, but I have no idea which character I would have played. Maybe Dawson?
Anyway, I actually thought I had lost this play, but found it in my Gmail sent folder from nearly ten years ago! Thank goodness for that. I may have other projects hidden in there as well. Well, without further ado, enjoy "Thumbs."
Austin Ballard Angie
Peterson
Rick Hoffmann Mason
Stoddard
Kris Holt Thomas
Ridder
“Thumbs”
CAST
Ryan,
the
main character
Dawson,
a
roommate
Tony,
another roommate
Nona,
a girl
Angie,
Nona’s roommate
Dawson’s
Girlfriend
Scene
1
(Darkness. Typewriter sounds. Fade in
on Living Room. It is a typical, semi-neat apartment with a sofa, comic books
on the floor, coffee table. There is a door leading to stage left. Dawson sits at a messy desk, typing. He
is a skinny man dressed in a white shirt and tie, untidy hair, glasses. Ryan is lying on the couch, hands
behind his head. He is average in height and weight, dressed in a polo
shirt over a white undershirt, baggy jeans, neat hair)
Ryan: Hey Dawson? What are you typing?
Dawson(He speaks in a boring, monotonous
sort of way): A project.
Ryan: It’s always a project, isn’t it?
Don’t you hate those darn projects?
Dawson: Mmm.
Ryan: I mean, think about it. Humans spend
most of their existence just doing projects. Thinking, researching, drafting,
typing, publishing.
(Brief silence, Ryan listens to the typing noises)
Ryan: I assume you’re at the typing stage,
huh?
(A few seconds)
Dawson: Uh huh.
Ryan: All finished with the thinking and
researching?
(A few seconds)
Dawson: Uh huh.
Ryan: Huh. Just—typing.
(Awkward silence, except for typing
sounds)
Ryan: So....you use that spacebar a lot,
don’t you?
(No reply)
Ryan: Do you use your thumb to hit the
spacebar?
(A few seconds)
Dawson: Uh huh.
Ryan: Huh.
(A few seconds)
Ryan: I guess that makes your thumb pretty
important, eh?
(A few seconds)
Dawson: Uh huh.
Ryan: If you didn’t have your thumb, you
couldn’t, uh, hit the spacebar, right?
(No reply)
Ryan:
When you really think about it, if you didn’t hit the spacebar, the words would
be all jumbled and stuff.
(After pause)Dawson: Uh huh.
Ryan:
So I guess there wouldn’t be any real point in typing anymore, because nobody
would be able to read it.
(A few seconds)
Ryan: You might say the entire typewriter
revolves around the spacebar.
(A few seconds)
Ryan: And the spacebar revolves around
your thumb.
(A few seconds)
Ryan:
So the typewriter revolves around the thumb. And projects revolve around
typewriters. And most of our existence revolves around projects. (Looks at
his thumb with interest) So our lives revolve....
(Tony enters through door. He is a tall,
stocky guy with a Hawaiian shirt, unbuttoned, over a tie-dye shirt, shorts, and
messed up hair. He looks slightly rushed and is rubbing his thumb)
Hey Tony.
Tony: Hey Ryan. Hey Dawson.
(Tony looks through papers on Dawson’s desk. Dawson looks slightly uncomfortable, and
types slower)
(Finally)Dawson: Can I help you?
Tony: I was just curious about something
in our insurance policy.
(Ryan stands up and goes off stage right)
Dawson: “Our”? You don’t mean “my”
insurance, do you?
Tony: Well, hypothetically, let’s say I
ran into a car. If I was driving say (Clears his throat briskly) Your car, would the policy cover me?
(Dawson starts typing slower and slower)
Dawson: Exactly how hypothetical are we
talking here, Tony?
Tony: Well, okay, “hypothetical” is beside
the point. Will the insurance cover it or not?
(Dawson starts typing frantically, Ryan comes back in, holding a drink)
(Slightly raising his voice) Dawson:
You hit a car with my car?! Where’s the driver?
Tony: I’m sure he’ll be up soon.
Dawson: Soon?
Tony: Well, I didn’t exactly see him yet.
Ryan: You hit and ran?
Tony: I left a note on the car telling him
to come up here when he saw the damage.
Dawson: What do you mean you left
a note? How could you ha—
(Pounding on the door. Tony goes over to answer it, touches knob,
it bursts open.)
(In enters Nona, a girl with black clothes, spiky
dyed red hair, a tattoo on her arm, and several piercings in her ears)
Nona (In a rage): Which one of you hit
my car?!
Dawson: Who are you? The driver?
Nona: My name’s Nona. Who did it?
Tony: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hit you!
You popped out of nowhere!
Nona: I wasn’t even in the car!
Dawson(typing furiously): You hit a parked car?!
Tony: Well, technically, it was your car,
so you hit it. Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk.
(Angie enters. She is a relatively short
girl with a blouse, jeans, and blonde hair in a ponytail)
Nona (In a huff): What’s the
damage?
Angie: Well, you don’t have to worry about
that crack in the windshield anymore.
Nona: Why? Did you get it fixed?
Angie: No, there’s—just no windshield
anymore.
Nona(turns to Tony): What are you (pokes him) going to do about my
car?!
Tony (still rubbing his thumb):
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I hurt myself in the wreck. Bent my thumb way back.
Angie (covering her mouth): Ohhh...
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Nona:
What? What’s wrong with you?! My car got totaled and you’re worried
about the thumb of the man who did it?!
Angie: Well, can’t I feel a little sorry?
After all, human civilization itself revolves around the thumb.
(Lights out, spotlight on Ryan and Angie, everyone else freezes, angelic music
plays, Ryan drops
his drink glass)
Ryan: That’s so true.......
Angie(slightly awkwardly): About what?
Ryan: Thumbs....without thumbs we’d be—
Angie: ...down with the dogs? And the cows?
Ryan: Exactly......
(Tape squeak, music ends abruptly,
lights back to normal)
Nona: What are you talking about?!
Ryan: Well, everyone knows that you can’t
do anything without your—uh, I mean uh,(Clears throat) would you — like to continue this over
dinner? Umm...
Angie: Angie.
Ryan: Ryan.
(They leave)
(Everyone stares at the door)
Tony(calling down to Ryan): Dude, it’s only 1:15!
Nona(clenches fists and throws her head
back to the ceiling):
GAAGHGHH! (Hands Dawson
a paper) Sign this.
(Fade out)
Scene
2
(Fade in. Tony’s gone. There’s a big stack of papers
on the desk. Dawson
is still signing papers, and trying to type a couple characters at a time with
one hand)
Nona: There. That covers the insurance.
Dawson: Finally. (Scoots chair back to
normal, continues typing)
Nona(collecting her things): I can’t believe Angie left. Now I
have to wait for her before I can leave.
Dawson: Uh huh.
(Several seconds go by, Nona sits on the couch and looks at her
watch)
Nona:
Who does your roommate think he is, just up and taking her to dinner? At 1:15
in the afternoon, no less!
(A few seconds)
Nona: They don’t even know each other!
...And what was all that about thumbs? (Sighs)
(Several seconds go by)
Nona: So...what do you do around here,
anyway?
Dawson: Projects.
Nona: Oh. That sucks.
(Ryan enters)
Nona: What took you so long? Where’s
Angie?
Ryan: We were only gone a half hour.
Nona: You were gone four!
Ryan: So? Angie’s outside.
Nona:
(Grabs stack of papers) Well, good riddance to you guys. (To Ryan) She does this all the time
to guys like you. I suggest you let her go while you can. (Leaves. Ryan looks shocked)
(Curtain closes, light the stage to
the left in front of the curtain. Angie
is sitting on a bench. Nona
enters from around the side of curtain)
Angie: There you are! (She stands up,
they start walking towards the right stage)
Nona: So, uh, how was...dinner?
Angie: Ohh...it was wonderful, Nona. We had
the most interesting conversation.
Nona: Oh yeah, about thumbs, right? (Rolls
eyes)
Angie: Well, it started on thumbs, but that
led to talking about muskrats ruling the world—
Nona: I don’t even wanna know.
(They walk some more)
Nona: So you really like this guy, huh?
Angie: I think it could be a great
relationship.
Nona: Well, I was talking to the
typewriter guy and he says you’re number...well, you’re not the first.
Angie: What do you mean?
Nona: Well, let’s just say you’re sort of
a “backup.”
Angie(Shocked and hurt): You mean he’s taken?
Nona: Yeah, he has quite a few
girlfriends.
Angie(Sadly): (sigh) This always happens to
me.
Nona: Don’t let it get to you. Let’s go
home and forget about it.
(By this time, they reach the end of
the stage. Fade out)
Scene
3
(Open curtain, lights on apartment
again. Ryan is
pacing back and forth, Dawson is still typing, Tony is sleeping on the couch)
Ryan:
Sheesh, it’s been three days and Angie still hasn’t called! I don’t
understand—I thought it was a golden relationship. We had so much fun. I just
don’t understand women. This always happens to me. Maybe I should just move on.
Or should I call her? Nah, she won’t answer. She probably doesn’t even care
about me. I’ll never have a girlfriend...
(Dawson stops typing, stands up, takes
off his glasses, slams them on the desk, and starts talking with a passionate,
powerful voice)
Dawson:
Ryan, that’s the problem with you. You never start what you finish, and you
always give up when the slightest factor goes wrong. What you and Angie have is
timeless. It’s magical. I knew that when I glanced up and saw the way she
looked at your thumbs. I know love when I see it, Ryan. Believe me, my own
relationship is as incredible as yours will ever be.
(Tony wakes up, groans, and leaves through
side)
Ryan(Shocked at this change): Wh-what relationship?
Dawson:
Never mind that! You have to call Angie, Ryan. It’s your duty. Your destiny in
this life. Without her, you will waste away in this pathetic apartment and die
a bachelor. Believe me, she’s the only woman who will ever look twice at you.
You know that. Buck up, man. Take whatever dignity you have left in your
withering little bones and pick up that phone!
(Ryan, shaking hard, walks to phone and
slowly takes phone from receiver, then pauses)
Ryan: But you never even leave this
apartment! How can you—
Dawson: Call her now!
(Ryan jumps at Dawson’s words and starts dialing a number,
pauses at the last number)
Ryan: No...I refuse to be a
bachelor! I will call her!
(Dials last number and waits)
Ryan:
H-Hi, Angie, it’s me, Ryan. No, wait! Don’t hang up! I know that to you I might
not be as charming as the other guys, but that doesn’t matter. We have
something special, I know it. And if you’re willing to just talk things out
with me—no, no, let me finish. If you’ll just listen to me, I know we can work
things out. (Pause) What? (Pause) you do? (Pause) She said
that? But she said that to me! (Chuckles) Angie, will you come over
right now? Yeah, I’ll see you! Bye! (Hangs up phone, clenches fists)
YES!
(Fade out)
(Fade in again on apartment, it looks
considerably neater than before. Dawson is typing again, glasses on. Knock on
door. Ryan goes
to answer it. Opens it up, Angie’s
there)
Both: Hey! (Angie hugs Ryan)
Ryan: I don’t know why Nona said those
things about us. She must be jealous, huh?
(They hug again)
Angie: Do you realize what she almost cost
us?
Ryan: We should kill her!
Angie: Yeah!
(Tony bursts in from right stage)
Tony: Noooo! You must not kill my love!
Ryan: Your love? (Sighs, rolls eyes)
Oh well. Come on, Angie.
(They hold thumbs. They leave)
(Nona enters)
Nona: Where are those two?! I’m gonna kill
them!
Tony(Walks up, kneels at her feet): Aw, forget about them, Nona. Let’s
just worry about us.
(Awkward silence)
Nona(shrugs): Ehh, alright.
(Tony picks her up bride style, they leave
out the door)
(Dawson is left typing. Dawson’s
girlfriend enters. She
is an exceptionally attractive woman, tan skin, long brown hair, wearing a
black designer dress)
Girlfriend: I thought they’d never leave.
Dawson: ready to go?
Girlfriend: Let’s go get a bagel.
(Dawson grabs his suit coat, slings it over
his shoulder. His Girlfriend
holds his arm affectionately. They leave through door)
(Several seconds go by)
(Dawson re-enters, grabs typewriter, leaves)
(Fade out, end play)
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