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Friday, June 27, 2014

ChaCha's Guide to Monster Slaying

I don't use ChaCha much anymore because I have a smartphone, but it was useful (about 40% of the time) when I just had your standard Nokia brick to have quick answers to questions through texting. I compiled this list a couple of years ago after asking ChaCha how to kill certain beasts. The results, and helpfulness, of the responses varied, but here it is published for the first time.

ChaCha's Guide to Monster Slaying

Q: How do you kill a . . .

Zombie?
  A: Generally speaking, to kill a zombie you have to destroy the brain. Once you manage to kill the zombie it is also recommended that you burn the body.
  Comments: What about headless zombies like on ESIV: Oblivion?
Ninja?
   A: Killing a ninja is like wearing a blindfold and picking a needle out of a haystack. It won’t happen! They are ninjas!!
   Comments: A well-given answer. See www.askaninja.com.
Pirate?
   A: Sorry there is no published information on how to kill a pirate. I thing [sic] the answer should be maybe throwing him over board.
   Comments: Worst. Answer. Ever. Who hired that guy to work at ChaCha?
Gargoyle?
   A: Please don’t kill the gargoyles! They’re just there to protect you, they mean you no harm!
   Comments: That makes sense, but it was good to know just in case.
Goblin?
   A: One would kill a goblin in the same way you’d kill anything else.
   Comments: In other words, goblins do not have any special abilities or defenses.
Troll?
   A: It has been said that trolls can be driven or destroyed by the mention of the name of Christ or by the symbol of the cross.
   Comments: It’s a good thing World of WarCraft takes place in Azeroth, or my main 68 Troll Mage would be easy prey against priests.
Alien?
A: Killing an alien depends on the type of alien. Those in War of the Worlds were killed by the common cold germ.
Comments: Other ways are water, as in Signs, and of course artillery and lasers (everything else).
Ghost?
   A: You cannot kill a ghost.
  Comments: Fair enough.
Witch?
   A: Tossing a bottle with a witch’s nail or hair in the fireplace will kill the witch.
  Comments: Very helpful information, though I’m not certain why the bottle is necessary.
Warlock?
   A: The trick is to kill them and kill them fast. Start off with an intercept to close distance and hamstring to prevent them
   Comments: Inconclusive and incomplete. Requires further investigation.
Werewolf?
   A: Obtain pure silver or mercury and forge it into a weapon. Use weapon to attack the werewolf. When it’s disabled, remove the heart.
   Comments: I assume the last precaution is to prevent reincarnation, which I was not aware of in werewolves.
Vampire?
   A: There are many ways to kill a vampire. Here are a few. Put a stake to his heart. Break his neck or behead him.
  Comments: I find it interesting sunlight wasn’t mentioned. Probably obvious enough.
Mummy?
   A: According to Egyptian myth you would need to erase the mummies [sic] name from all history to kill it.
  Comments: A very interesting method, though I doubt there were mummies in Egyptian myth, since they were mostly just their buried kings at the time.
Ogre?
   A: You can kill an ogre with a sword, gun or any other type of weapon that can inflict mortal wounds.
   Comments: See Goblin.
Gremlin?
  A: It is said that sunlight is the only thing that can kill a gremlin.
   Comments: Bright light! Bright light!
Dragon?
   A: Make a mixture of pitch, fat, and other flammable materials, stuff it into a calf’s skin, and offer the calf to the dragon.
   Comments: I tend to wonder exactly what this would do… A bomb would make sense, exploding the dragon from the inside out, but lighting its already burning stomach?
Demon?
   A: The first step would be to perform an exorcism. If that doesn’t work try using a vacuum to suck it in.
   Comments: In other words, banishment may be the only answer. See Ghost.
Gryphon?
   A: Slow down the time and keep attacking his legs. Keep using combos[.] By doing this, a large chunk of his life will be gone.
   Comments: And if you actually have to kill a real one? Do you think this is some kind of game??
Bigfoot?
   A: Not in Skamania County, Washington! It is illegal to kill Bigfoot punishable by a $1000 fine and up to 5 years in jail.
   Comments: After researching this, I found that the law was actually amended and it is now only a 1 year jail sentence. The means of killing one, in Skamania County or elsewhere, remains unknown.

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