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Sunday, February 15, 2015

Theater: Only the Dead Die Twice

I found this in an old folder from my Sophomore year in high school. In my speech class, we listened to part of an old radio horror show, and at a certain point pressed stop. The teacher told us to finish the story on our own and then perform it later that week (along with two made-up commercials). This is the result of our collaboration. I'm pretty sure I did most of the work writing it, and I played the part of Alec Craig when we performed it in class.

If you want to hear the setup for this story, I found this as the actual radio show this is based on. It's weird to hear this now after all those years. We listened to the show up to the 13:57 point, and then made up our own story from there:


Radio Jingle

Radio Caster: Welcome back to BS–94.7 59er. We now return to “Only the Dead Die Twice.”
(car noises)
Johnny: So there I am. Sitting at a red stoplight, out in the middle of nowhere. I’m still wondering: what am I doing? Is the money really worth it? This has already been risky business from the beginning. This body’s creeping me out...  It always seems to disappear when I’m about to get busted...
(more car noises for about 10 or 15 seconds)
Radio Caster: Wow, folks, what’s gonna happen? Will the light ever turn green? Stay tuned after this message to find out!
Radio Jingle

Radio Caster: Are you sitting at home alone?
People: Yes...
Radio Caster: Not willing to move?
People: Yes...
Radio Caster: Have you been watching the same channel for six hours because you can’t get up to reach the remote?
People: (How does he know?)
Radio Caster: Sounds to me like you guys could use some adventure!
Jason and Austin: (random crap about not liking to have adventures, eventually leads to a huge argument)
Radio Caster: Avoiding adventure, eh? For more ways to torture yourself, buy John Bytheway’s How to be Totally Miserable. In stores now!
Radio Jingle

Radio Caster: And now, back to our program.
Johnny: When will this freaking light turn green already?! There are no cars anywhere near here!
(coffin creaks)
Johnny: What’s that?
Alec: Is she here?
Johnny: Who? I thought you were dead!
Alec: Shut up! I’ll explain later! Where’s Vera?
Johnny: She’s not here, she said she’d meet me at the cemetery. Now will you tell me what’s going on?
Alec: Vera’s crazy... I can still hear her voice...
Vera’s voice: The plan’s perfect, Alec! By faking your death, we can use your insurance money to run away to Italy! It’s brilliant — ha ha ha haa!
Johnny: What? You did all this for the insurance money?

Alec: Yeah, it sounded like a good idea at first — she would pretend to kill me, then hide the money in this coffin until we get out of here...  but she got carried away...  she’s insane now! Crazy! I could hardly recognize her — let’s get out of here. Don’t go to the cemetery! We’ll go somewhere she’ll never find me! Now quick! Turn around – I’ll give you half the money if you do exactly what I say!
Johnny: Alright, here goes...
Alec: LOOK OUT!
(Truck honks, screeching brakes, crash, shattering glass)
(brief pause)
Radio Caster: Johnny dead and Alec for real! And all by a random eighteen-wheeler! What will happen next? Stay tuned!
Radio Jingle

(Graduation song humming in background)
Annie: Oh my gosh, Timmy! We just graduated! Can you believe it?
Timmy: I guess not.
Annie: What are you going to do now?
Timmy: I dunno.
Annie: Are you going to go to college?
Timmy: Maybe.
Annie: You mean you don’t even have any goals?
Radio Caster: Not setting goals: One of the top reasons for being miserable in John Bytheway’s How to be Totally Miserable! Buy it today!
Radio Jingle

Radio Caster: We now return to “Only the Dead Die Twice.”
Bubba: It happened again... .driving past an intersection and some idiot drives out when the *beep*in’ light’s red! Tried to swerve, but I hit it and it rolled off the side of the road.
  Hello? Are you guys okay? Oh my crap... they’re dead! And what’s all that money on the road?
  I better call the cops...
(beeping telephone buttons)
Bubba: Hello?
Steve: This is Lieutenant Steve Maxton, emergency please?
Bubba: Hi. It’s me.
Steve: What did you do this time, Bubba?
Bubba: A hearse ran a red light out here on 15-9er south and I hit it.
Steve: (sigh) Not again! How many survivors?
Bubba: They’re both dead.
Steve: You’ve got to stop doing this, Bubba. We can’t keep bailing you out over car wrecks. (Sigh) I’ll be right there... .did you say a hearse?
(Telephone clicks, hanging up)
Bubba: Whoa! There’s a lot of money all over the road... I still owe liability to the Johnson family... poor Timmy, he’s the only one left. I’ll just take it before Maxton gets here...
(truck drives off)
(fade siren sounds in)
Maxton: Yup. It’s the same hearse, same guy...  And this guy’s ID says he’s Alec Craig, the guy who supposedly got murdered earlier today!... Strangest case I’ve ever seen... Load these bodies up, boys. We’ve got a long night of interrogating to do today...
(sirens fade out)
Radio Caster: Thanks for joining us for “Only the Dead Die Twice.” Tune in tomorrow for the new episode “The Dungeons will Cry.” This is your Radio Caster for BS–94.7 59er.

Radio Jingle

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